My Inner Child
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
I’m not the best writer, but I’m going to try. On the outside I may look like, I’ve never gone through hardship. It may look like I have everything put together. But deep down, I’m a broken, wounded little girl. I’m an only child to a single mother, who is also a broken and wounded little girl. My father was in and out of my life. He is also a broken and a wounded little boy. Growing up, emotional was hard. I’ve always known that I was a sensitive kid, but being sensitive in a family that aren’t really in touch with emotions is tough. My mom was there for me financially but not there emotionally. At times my mom was super sweet, mostly when I was younger. But boy did she have a temper. Growing up with a parent that is broken is hard.
Especially when you don’t understand why, your parent or parents are the way that they are. The emotional abuse that I mostly endured was verbal. Being called stupid, fat or fatso, your not good enough, your ugly, your slow, etc… Also being yelled at and belittled everyday it seems. The list can go on and on. Not a lot of people understand what that does to child. Especially a super sensitive child. Plus having a mother that didn’t like to be hugged was tough. I remember days I would want a hug from her and she would pull away. She would say to me, ” Ashley, you know I don’t like to be hugged.” Hearing that as a child was gut wrenching. Now, because my mom was a single mother, I wasn’t really with her a lot. I spent a lot of time with a lot of different people, from family, family friends, and babysitters. This also added to my feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, not feeling accepted from my mom. I experienced a lot of people telling me to stop being so sensitive, need to be tough and not a cry baby. But that was my truth.
During these moments is when, I was molested or looked at from older man in a sexual way. These moments really shut me off from myself. It broke me in so many ways. I didn’t feel protected from my mom or others. So I shut my heart down, but also started an emotional eating habit to protect myself. I didn’t understand why all of this was happening to me. Now on top of this, my mother also placed her boyfriends before me. When I was older, I was left alone a lot, self- care was not important to me. Food became my friend in a lot of ways. My self worth was none existent. It was easy for me to love people from a far. Even if to them, they thought that it was a whole hearted love. But I’m always waiting for them leave or hurt me in someway. It’s hard to let people close to me, because of the disappointment from both parents and just adults in general.
Now my father was also emotional abusive and had a really bad temper, sometimes to the point of hitting me. I would be happy to be with my dad, but was filled with a lot of broken promises and lot of not seeing him for months, sometimes years. When I would see him, it seems that the girlfriend that he was with would make him contact me. It never felt like he really wanted me. This added to my emotional eating habits. This started years and years, of being shy, not having my voice, not having my strength. My self- love was out the window. I never even thought about it. I wanted love from others to fill my broken heart. But I was also let down in someway. I always felt there was something missing from my life, but I didn’t know what it was. My awareness was not there.
I will say my first step in being aware, was in college. I spoke with my college counselor Don. He helped me in a lot of the beginning stages of healing. One was telling someone that I was molested as a child. I didn’t tell even tell me mom, friends, family, no one. That was super hard, but he was the first person in a long time that I really trusted. Like trusted to the point that I could take the mask off. I could be vulnerable with him. I knew he heard me and my pain from not just the molesting but also the pain from my mom and dad. When I was able to heal a little by just telling someone about what happen to me, and cry out the pain, it was amazing. But scary as hell.. lol. It was a start to healing my inner child, because she was heard by someone. He even made me write a letter to my mom about the pain that I had stored in my heart. The angry that I had. Now I never gave this letter to her, but it was a moment of crying in my doom room bed alone, letting out years and years of pain.
Now most may thank that this would help me see my self worth and have better self- care. Nope that’s no the case. My next blog will tell you, how deep the effects and years of pain really are. Plus, living in victimhood, not truly caring about self, how emotional eating has effected my life in so many ways, and more.
Thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you! XoXo