Let’s start with how not healing my inner child effected my choices in life.
Most of my choices were not mindful. It wasn’t really my truth self, that made the choices. It was more of my ego that made them. I would self- soothe with food. Food was and truthfully still is my best friend( a little). Also, not keeping up on my hygiene was another way of protecting myself from getting hurt. I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t think I was important. So to protect myself, I would eat unhealthy foods. I would binge until my stomach hurt. Then feel guilty for eating so much. It also didn’t help that my mom would add negative words to my actions. So that would make me want to eat more or not take care of myself more. So I wouldn’t take care of my basic needs.( washing face, brushing teeth, showering, changing my underwear everyday). And this is me being super honest and vulnerable here.
Now to the average person, that sounds nasty and unbelievable that someone, wouldn’t take care of themselves in that way. But, I’m here to tell you, it’s probably happening more than you than you think. When your broken and feel that your not worth of basic needs or taking care of yourself, a lot of things go to the waist side. You have a battle inside of you. Most guilt, shame, not understanding why things happened the way that they happened. That you’re a bad person, or no worthy of love, respect, or just living. But then you have the other part of you, that wants to be a normal human being. Or what the world things a normal human being is.
So, this added to choices in boyfriends, because I was so broken, I choose people who weren’t the greatest. Mostly guys, that were broken also. But in my mind, I could fix them. It was easier to focus on them then on myself. Even with friends, it would easier to focus on their issues and help them, than to focus on myself. To them on the outside, I was put together. The mask I had made was good at showing people that I was strong and not hurting on the inside. But to the people that really got to know me, that’s when I couldn’t hide under that mask anymore. And it was hard, because I wasn’t to stay there. I didn’t want people to see how broken I was, because that meant I would have to deal with it also. I’ve had moments and wanted to kill myself, because of all the hurt. I didn’t think anyone would miss me.
I wasn’t ready to deal with it. So I made a lot of bad choices, looking for love in men, and getting my heart broken over and over again. Looking for love in food. So I would eat more and more. Until one day, I was over 360 pounds in my senior year of college. Now, I didn’t know my weight was so high. That’s not where I saw myself. I thought I was a good 250, tops. That was not the case of course. But I had a little helping hands, from my college counselor Don and my chiropractor Dr. Dubs and great friends. Now they helped me to a point. I told Don, about my childhood and got a good cry out. I also wrote a letter to my mom( which I never gave to her), about how angry and hurt I was. With Dr. Dubs, he helped me lose 50 pounds. But I didn’t help myself, It was great working through some of my trauma. But I self sabotaged myself, and gained all my weight back, still dated guys that didn’t have my best interest at heart. And I still was so blinded, that I didn’t understand why. Why my life was still the same way.
Crazy, that even after having so many great people in my life, I still felt that I wasn’t good enough for the help, long term. I thought, eventually you will hurt me, so let me sabotage this before you do. And that was my thinking for so long.
So my choice really effected me. Effect me to where I am now. I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted to blame everyone else. I didn’t want to take responsibility for my actions. I wanted to still be the victim. For someone to understand my pain. Even if I didn’t want to see my own pain. I wanted the outside resources to fix my pain. I thought that would fix it all, but it never did. It helped, but never fixed it.
So I have to stop, and make a choice of either stilling in the same chapter and story. Or look within and deal with my pain, and past to move forward. So that’s where I am right now. Learning my truth and understanding who I really am.
In my next blog, I will talk about the ways in which, I’m working on healing my inner child and how the past still sneaks up from time to time. How my binge eating and over eating still comes around, and how I’m handling that also.
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