Self sabotage-is any kind of conscious or unconscious behavior that undermines your successful functioning in the world.
Today, I reflected on how many times, my self sabotaging behavior has effected me. The times I stood in my own way. I realized most of it was fear. Fear of my own power. Fear of success, fear of failure and, fear of disappointment. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been successful in a lot of ways, but I didn’t think I desired it. It was something in me that at the time I couldn’t understand why I stood in my own way or why I felt the way I did. For an example, losing weight. In one of my blogs, I spoke about my doctor helping me lose weight. I got down to losing 50 pounds. I was so excited, I was happy. I woke up one day and just felt true bliss. People were loving my weight lose and congratulating me. The outside part of me was grateful, but the broken part of me, didn’t like it at all. I felt there was to much attention on me and that I didn’t deserve it at all. So I started to sabotage my progress of continuing to lose weight. I went back to over eating or binge eating. Then I would get mad at myself for sabotaging my hard work I put in. Not knowing that the broken parts of me, needed to be healed. It was a cycle, until I started gaining all my weight back.
Now, as I’m going through my journey to healing, I see that I’ve self- sabotaged my progress at times, but like I said in my last blog, I’m being patient with myself. I’m understanding techniques to help me, understand that I deserve to heal and to let go of fear. Affirmations have been a great addition to my life. In the beginning, it was a battle. But doing it almost everyday, I started to believe in those affirmations. I didn’t think it would work. But it does, it’s a different inner feeling. It calms my inner self. Now to be honest at times, I go back to old ways, but I’m more aware. When I can catch myself, I use the affirmations. If the affirmations, don’t help, then it’s music or painting. Once I calm myself down, then I write down in my journal why I wanted to self sabotage myself at that time.
I’m learning at the end of the day, I have to take small steps towards my goal to heal. That at different stages I’m going to learn new things about myself. That healing myself and not sabotaging myself is going to take time, patience, love, understanding, and awareness.
Thank you for listening friends. Until next time. xoxo