My emotional and binge eating habits have been with me, since I was a kid. I would eat when I was happy, sad, glad, mad, bored, depressed, and just cause. I felt more comfort with food around, then living life. I remember as a kid, I could have a full meal and still want more food. I couldn’t get enough of food, until my stomach was in pain. I had to have a big portion of food. I always wanted the biggest piece, or full my plate to the top. I could eat the whole plate and would go back for seconds. If I want to a buffet, I was in heaven. For so long, the most important thing in my life secretly was, when can I eat again. Once I started working, most or not all of my money when towards food. Food my mom wouldn’t get me. It also didn’t help that I worked at Boston Market and Taco Bell. And I wasn’t making a lot of money at the time, but every pay check, the only thing I wanted was food. On top of that, having best friends that were also emotional eaters and binge eaters, was great at the time. We would feed off each other. So if I didn’t have the money to get food, they would get food for us. We would sit and watch tv and eat food. I would also starve myself. I wouldn’t eat all day and then binge all night. Then that binge would last for a few days. I was so unhappy with my life that food was my best friend. A binge for me, would be going to Wendy’s and getting Baconator meal( large), sometimes 2 of the 6 piece chicken nuggets( snack on the drive home), and Frosty( large). Then I would go to Wawa( Philadelphia 7/11, but better) and get candy, chips, maybe a sandwich, and ice tea. Then I would sneak into my room and eat as much as I could. I would hate myself afterwards and sleep it off. Then it would start all over again. If I couldn’t binge or emotional eat, for a few days, it would kill me( If I didn’t have the money or the food that I wanted wasn’t in the house). But once I got the money, the cycle would start again. All of this got me up to about 360+ pounds. But, I didn’t want to let go of my comfort food. I needed food to be around me 24/7. It was, well is my addiction.
Now, during this healing process, I went deep to discover where my emotional eating/ binge habits came from. 1. being molested at 4. 2. Going to the doctors and getting shots( hated) and my mom would comfort me with my favorite foods. 3. My mom being an emotional abuser and also being an emotional eater. And 4. My dad not really being in my life. So from a young age, I never knew how to deal with my emotions. It was always covered up with food. That was love, care, and attention. Plus, food didn’t hurt me, it gave me away to feel something. Now, with learning to not push my emotions to the side, it has it’s ups and downs. I have 30+ years of emotional and binge eating to work through. But understanding that with healing my inner child, I have to give her the love and care that she missed. Also letting go of relationships that want to keep me in the same space of not dealing with my feelings.
Journaling, blogging, painting, music, and being in nature has helped a lot. Me being able to tell my story and not hide my true self, has helped also. I hope my story helps others to see, that you can work through the binge and emotional eating. Yes, it’s not easy, but if you have the willpower to know that you are stronger than food. That you are more important that food. That you have a story to share with others, that can be the drive you need to not give up on yourself. Where do you feel your emotional eating/binge eating comes from? Let me know in the comments.
Until next time my friends! xoxoxo