Hello and welcome back to my blog. If you are new, my blogs are about healing my inner child. I wanted to share this to help others and also help myself.
I’ve discovered that during this healing process, there’s things that trigger a thought, or a memory, or even questions. A few weeks ago, the neighbors downstairs started having a fight. And not just a small fight. The little girl down there started crying. And when I mean, crying… I mean crying. I felt so bad for her. This is not the first time that she’s cried like this. This was also not the first time that they’ve had a really bad fight either. But, it triggered something in me. A question, I didn’t know I needed to ask. The question I asked was, ” I wonder, if my parents had fights like this when I was a baby?” Now this was a question that never came up before until now. I knew I needed to ask my mom this question.
When I asked her this, I wasn’t prepared for the answer. And the conversation afterwards. My mom said, “Yes, we fought and I also felt alone a lot of the time.” This opened a big door to a lot. One, for the first time, my mom was really open with me and expressed a lot in just that one sentence. Second, it made so much sense of how our relationship has been for so long.
My mom expressed to me that during her pregnancy and birth my dad was not really there. So she felt alone, unwanted, and just lost. That was a big shock to me, in just the sense of it was never talked about. She would only tell me some parts of my childhood, but not what she felt. For the first time I felt compassion for my mom. I mean, true compassion and not anger. She’d expressed her fear and what it was like being a new mother. But also being in a relationship that was one sided. That peeled back another layer of the story. It helped me understand, our bond but also energy that I felt while inside the womb. And the cycle that unfolded within my life. Everything started to click. Everything started to make sense.
This opened the door to me really understanding my childhood, my teenage years, and how I am today. A part of me wanted to be angry or stay in the victimhood mindset. I had to tell my ego to sit down and really listen to what she was saying and understand it from her point of view. It was the first time I was truly honest with myself. It also let my inner child understand my mom more. And see her as a wounded child who had a child and just didn’t know what to do.
Healing is a processes of feelings, old stories, and understanding the past. It’s looking at it from a higher view point. Seeing the story from both sides and not just from a place of, why was my childhood this way. It showed me the parts that were in the shadows. The baggage that was hard to go through, but it was time to have an honest conversation with it. Also showed me, the beginning of my life journey and how I have to heal to move forward. It gives me a starting point of how to nurture my inner child.