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Emotional Eating/Binge Eating

My emotional and binge eating habits have been with me, since I was a kid. I would eat when I was happy, sad, glad, mad, bored, depressed, and just cause. I felt more comfort with food around, then living life. I remember as a kid, I could have a full meal and still want more food. I couldn’t get enough of food, until my stomach was in pain. I had to have a big portion of food. I always wanted the biggest piece, or full my plate to the top. I could eat the whole plate and would go back for seconds. If I want to a buffet, I was in heaven. For so long, the most important thing in my life secretly was, when can I eat again. Once I started working, most or not all of my money when towards food. Food my mom wouldn’t get me. It also didn’t help that I worked at Boston Market and Taco Bell. And I wasn’t making a lot of money at the time, but every pay check, the only thing I wanted was food. On top of that, having best friends that were also emotional eaters and binge eaters, was great at the time. We would feed off each other. So if I didn’t have the money to get food, they would get food for us. We would sit and watch tv and eat food. I would also starve myself. I wouldn’t eat all day and then binge all night. Then that binge would last for a few days. I was so unhappy with my life that food was my best friend. A binge for me, would be going to Wendy’s and getting Baconator meal( large), sometimes 2 of the 6 piece chicken nuggets( snack on the drive home), and Frosty( large). Then I would go to Wawa( Philadelphia 7/11, but better) and get candy, chips, maybe a sandwich, and ice tea. Then I would sneak into my room and eat as much as I could. I would hate myself afterwards and sleep it off. Then it would start all over again. If I couldn’t binge or emotional eat, for a few days, it would kill me( If I didn’t have the money or the food that I wanted wasn’t in the house). But once I got the money, the cycle would start again. All of this got me up to about 360+ pounds. But, I didn’t want to let go of my comfort food. I needed food to be around me 24/7. It was, well is my addiction.

Now, during this healing process, I went deep to discover where my emotional eating/ binge habits came from. 1. being molested at 4. 2. Going to the doctors and getting shots( hated) and my mom would comfort me with my favorite foods. 3. My mom being an emotional abuser and also being an emotional eater. And 4. My dad not really being in my life. So from a young age, I never knew how to deal with my emotions. It was always covered up with food. That was love, care, and attention. Plus, food didn’t hurt me, it gave me away to feel something. Now, with learning to not push my emotions to the side, it has it’s ups and downs. I have 30+ years of emotional and binge eating to work through. But understanding that with healing my inner child, I have to give her the love and care that she missed. Also letting go of relationships that want to keep me in the same space of not dealing with my feelings.

Journaling, blogging, painting, music, and being in nature has helped a lot. Me being able to tell my story and not hide my true self, has helped also. I hope my story helps others to see, that you can work through the binge and emotional eating. Yes, it’s not easy, but if you have the willpower to know that you are stronger than food. That you are more important that food. That you have a story to share with others, that can be the drive you need to not give up on yourself. Where do you feel your emotional eating/binge eating comes from? Let me know in the comments.

Until next time my friends! xoxoxo

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My First Blog Post

My Inner Child

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

I’m not the best writer, but I’m going to try. On the outside I may look like, I’ve never gone through hardship. It may look like I have everything put together. But deep down, I’m a broken, wounded little girl. I’m an only child to a single mother, who is also a broken and wounded little girl. My father was in and out of my life. He is also a broken and a wounded little boy. Growing up, emotional was hard. I’ve always known that I was a sensitive kid, but being sensitive in a family that aren’t really in touch with emotions is tough. My mom was there for me financially but not there emotionally. At times my mom was super sweet, mostly when I was younger. But boy did she have a temper. Growing up with a parent that is broken is hard.

Especially when you don’t understand why, your parent or parents are the way that they are. The emotional abuse that I mostly endured was verbal. Being called stupid, fat or fatso, your not good enough, your ugly, your slow, etc… Also being yelled at and belittled everyday it seems. The list can go on and on. Not a lot of people understand what that does to child. Especially a super sensitive child. Plus having a mother that didn’t like to be hugged was tough. I remember days I would want a hug from her and she would pull away. She would say to me, ” Ashley, you know I don’t like to be hugged.” Hearing that as a child was gut wrenching. Now, because my mom was a single mother, I wasn’t really with her a lot. I spent a lot of time with a lot of different people, from family, family friends, and babysitters. This also added to my feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, not feeling accepted from my mom. I experienced a lot of people telling me to stop being so sensitive, need to be tough and not a cry baby. But that was my truth.

During these moments is when, I was molested or looked at from older man in a sexual way. These moments really shut me off from myself. It broke me in so many ways. I didn’t feel protected from my mom or others. So I shut my heart down, but also started an emotional eating habit to protect myself. I didn’t understand why all of this was happening to me. Now on top of this, my mother also placed her boyfriends before me. When I was older, I was left alone a lot, self- care was not important to me. Food became my friend in a lot of ways. My self worth was none existent. It was easy for me to love people from a far. Even if to them, they thought that it was a whole hearted love. But I’m always waiting for them leave or hurt me in someway. It’s hard to let people close to me, because of the disappointment from both parents and just adults in general.

Now my father was also emotional abusive and had a really bad temper, sometimes to the point of hitting me. I would be happy to be with my dad, but was filled with a lot of broken promises and lot of not seeing him for months, sometimes years. When I would see him, it seems that the girlfriend that he was with would make him contact me. It never felt like he really wanted me. This added to my emotional eating habits. This started years and years, of being shy, not having my voice, not having my strength. My self- love was out the window. I never even thought about it. I wanted love from others to fill my broken heart. But I was also let down in someway. I always felt there was something missing from my life, but I didn’t know what it was. My awareness was not there.

I will say my first step in being aware, was in college. I spoke with my college counselor Don. He helped me in a lot of the beginning stages of healing. One was telling someone that I was molested as a child. I didn’t tell even tell me mom, friends, family, no one. That was super hard, but he was the first person in a long time that I really trusted. Like trusted to the point that I could take the mask off. I could be vulnerable with him. I knew he heard me and my pain from not just the molesting but also the pain from my mom and dad. When I was able to heal a little by just telling someone about what happen to me, and cry out the pain, it was amazing. But scary as hell.. lol. It was a start to healing my inner child, because she was heard by someone. He even made me write a letter to my mom about the pain that I had stored in my heart. The angry that I had. Now I never gave this letter to her, but it was a moment of crying in my doom room bed alone, letting out years and years of pain.

Now most may thank that this would help me see my self worth and have better self- care. Nope that’s no the case. My next blog will tell you, how deep the effects and years of pain really are. Plus, living in victimhood, not truly caring about self, how emotional eating has effected my life in so many ways, and more.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you! XoXo

Letting Go

Hello and welcome back to my blog. Today, I wanted to talk about letting go of emotional abusive parent.

For me, my emotional abuser is my mother. And as many people, may not think it has an effect. It has a big effect on you. Growing up, I had to walk on egg-shells. My feelings were not important. I wasn’t sure what to believe with my mother, because on one hand she would say this and then take away something else in the same breath. Or would promise something and then take it away. It was super confusing. I always had to read between the lines. There were a lot of days of aggressive/ controlling manners. Then would say “I love you” in the same breath. Then there were moments of good days and laughter. But, I always had to keep the peace. If i didn’t, it was a battle, a tear down of who I was. Always threatening, always trying to stay in control. She would beat down on who I was or trying to grow to be, I never felt like I was good enough. I never felt safe or secure. Never felt that I was able to speak up for myself. My emotions had to be pushed down. I always had to be happy, even when I wasn’t.

With healing my inner child, I’m finally letting her have her voice back. I’m letting the emotions come in and nurturing her the way she needed to be. With letting go of emotional abusive parent, you have to see that, one it’s not okay to stay stuck in it. Two, their happiness is not more important than your own. Three, it’s not okay to be belittled. And the list can go on and on. I had to learn this. I had to see that the way I grow up, was not normal. The way I was treated wasn’t normal. The way I was made to feel growing up was not healthy. I also had to see that the relationships that I got myself into were a reflection of what I had grow up in. Letting go was hard, because it’s all you know. It’s the comfort zone and the un-comfort zone at the same time. I’m currently working on letting go of my relationship with my mother. With healing my inner child, she needs time away from the emotional abuse that sometimes still happens.

Now, I’m not saying it will be forever, but with healing my wounded inner child, being around my mother, just brings me back to the same feelings, the same mindset. Letting go of this relationship for awhile is a good thing. You never know how deep your wounds are until you start giving them time to heal. I love my mother. But I also now that my happiness is more important to me. My healing is more important. Having my power back is more important. With letting go of this relationship, I’m able to really learn what a healthy relationship looks like. First starting with myself. Then starting with others. Building myself back up and of course asking for support from the people that really care about me.

Letting go of an emotional abusive parent is letting go of the comfort zone/ un-comfort zone, by setting healthy boundaries. Even if they don’t like it. I know my mother is not going to like it, but I also know that, I can’t make her happiness my responsibility anymore. I can’t be her punching bag anymore. It’s time for me to let go.

If you are a wounded child and need to let go of a emotional abusive parent, I hope this blog helps you. I hope it shows you that you’re not alone. I hope that it shows you that you can do it. That you are worth more than that. That your happiness is more important than theirs. It’s ok to move away to heal. It’s ok to set healthy boundaries with them. And if they don’t like it, then you know that the relationship needs to end for good.

Thank you for listening.

Peeling back the layers( Part2)

Hello and welcome back to my blog. If you are new, my blogs are about healing my inner child. I wanted to share this to help others and also help myself.

I’ve discovered that during this healing process, there’s things that trigger a thought, or a memory, or even questions. A few weeks ago, the neighbors downstairs started having a fight. And not just a small fight. The little girl down there started crying. And when I mean, crying… I mean crying. I felt so bad for her. This is not the first time that she’s cried like this. This was also not the first time that they’ve had a really bad fight either. But, it triggered something in me. A question, I didn’t know I needed to ask. The question I asked was, ” I wonder, if my parents had fights like this when I was a baby?” Now this was a question that never came up before until now. I knew I needed to ask my mom this question.

When I asked her this, I wasn’t prepared for the answer. And the conversation afterwards. My mom said, “Yes, we fought and I also felt alone a lot of the time.” This opened a big door to a lot. One, for the first time, my mom was really open with me and expressed a lot in just that one sentence. Second, it made so much sense of how our relationship has been for so long.

My mom expressed to me that during her pregnancy and birth my dad was not really there. So she felt alone, unwanted, and just lost. That was a big shock to me, in just the sense of it was never talked about. She would only tell me some parts of my childhood, but not what she felt. For the first time I felt compassion for my mom. I mean, true compassion and not anger. She’d expressed her fear and what it was like being a new mother. But also being in a relationship that was one sided. That peeled back another layer of the story. It helped me understand, our bond but also energy that I felt while inside the womb. And the cycle that unfolded within my life. Everything started to click. Everything started to make sense.

This opened the door to me really understanding my childhood, my teenage years, and how I am today. A part of me wanted to be angry or stay in the victimhood mindset. I had to tell my ego to sit down and really listen to what she was saying and understand it from her point of view. It was the first time I was truly honest with myself. It also let my inner child understand my mom more. And see her as a wounded child who had a child and just didn’t know what to do.

Healing is a processes of feelings, old stories, and understanding the past. It’s looking at it from a higher view point. Seeing the story from both sides and not just from a place of, why was my childhood this way. It showed me the parts that were in the shadows. The baggage that was hard to go through, but it was time to have an honest conversation with it. Also showed me, the beginning of my life journey and how I have to heal to move forward. It gives me a starting point of how to nurture my inner child.

Peeling Back The Layers Of Healing (Part 1)

Grand Rising everyone! I hope everyone is staying healthy during this time. I will say that staying home and having to sit with yourself is a lot at times. But, if you look at it from a point of fixing the things you put on the back burn, it’s a good thing. You get to take away the outside noise and look within. Now I know not everyone can do this, but if you have the changes to do this, use it. For me sitting with myself, I learned so much. One, that healing comes in stages. That you can’t wake up, cry and think, “Ok, I’m healed!” Doesn’t work that way. Even if we so want it to be that easy. Once your ego gets pass the point of wanting to have that instant gratification, you left with the things that really need your attention.

The outer layers could be small things, like cleaning the house, decluttering, giving away old items, reading that book you’ve put to the side for so long, spending time with the kids, spending time your spouse, binge watching Netflix, finally setting goals, and the list can go on. Yes this is a great way for self- care. But then, you get this nudge, some ignore it. And for some you explore it. You have this feeling that you want more out of life. Or you start to reflect on choices you’ve made and why things, may not be going your way. Then that triggers something else within that you’ve suppressed for years. It maybe scary and unwanted, but it will always make it’s way back up to be dealt with.

Here’s where the journey of healing really gets deep. In my case, I never knew how much baggage I had or how cracked the foundation was in my life. It scared the living shit out of me. I was so use to wearing my rose colored glasses that seeing the truth hurt. It sting like a bee! Then, I had to really look at what I really missed, but also what needed healing. I had to look at what did I have to let go of. Once that start it was layer by layer of unlocking things and emotions I didn’t even think I suppressed. I learned that my inner child was crying out to me. That she was hurt from a lot of trauma, abandonment, not feeling worthy, being alone, not being able to be herself, having to live by someone else rules and pain, not understanding emotions, and what self-care was. My inner child wasn’t nurtured the way she needed or desired. This showed in the choices I made as I got older. Sitting with this was a hard pill to swallow. But I also saw that, it I want to grow and be at peace I have to face it. That facing was my worst fear, but was the fear that was holding me back. To gain my power back, I had to sit in this truth.

The ways, I started to work on this, was writing, meditating, purging( letting out of the things I don’t need), giving my inner child space to trust me, but also herself, learning about emotions, working with crystals, and listening to my heart space. For so long emotions were something you hide, being sensitive was a bad thing in my household. I had to let go of that belief. I had to understand my truth. I’m a sensitive person and I accept that, because it’s my truth. I’m a unique person, but I love that about myself. I’m a positive person. I have a light to be that was so dim for others, because I wasn’t comfortable shining my light. I see that my light should have never been dimmed for anyone, because they were hurting and didn’t want to see my light. We have to walk our own path at times, that not everyone is going to like or understand. Someone in your life will understand and support you to the fullest.

I hope that this shows people who are scared to heal that it’s ok, you can walk the path. Be compassionate with yourself, be patience, and just go with the flow.

Thank you for giving me the space to express myself. Xoxo

Disconnected From Self

Hey Guys! Sorry I’ve posted in awhile. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. I hope to be more regular with posting. But, I wanted to give you guys a quick update. So for the past few days, I never really understood how disconnected I was from myself or soul. Like super disconnected. I know it has a lot to do with my trauma and of course healing my inner child. To have this awareness, I realized I have to relearn myself on a deeper level. I’ve done some healing on the surface, but not the deep healing. This process has made me understand, how much I want to reconnected with myself. Trust myself and understand the child within me. With reconnecting with myself, I’m learning to love the small things again. Like looking at the moon and stars and find simple joy. Being able to cry and not feel bad, because I’m going to be judged. Also understanding what I like/love again. Learning to laugh again. Learning to not take life so serious. Breaking away from what I’ve been taught and seen all my life. I’m also letting go of the old and welcoming in the new.

Until next time my friends. xoxoxo

Self Forgiveness

Hello friends! I hope you had a wonderful holiday and a happy New Year!.

During this healing journey, I’m learning how to forgive myself. Now this is a tough topic for me, to be honest. I never thought I needed forgiveness. But I see that I was wrong. That I do need to forgive myself. Forgiving myself for disappointing myself, not being honest with myself, being with men that were low standard, not taking chances, having fear, being scared of change, managing money, friendship, not loving myself, not opening up my heart, etc… I can go on and on. But I see that I deserve the forgiveness to heal.

That the choose I made, was from a broken place. A place of not seeing how important I was, to see how deep my emotional baggage was. I had to understand how much I was hurting myself. And that’s a tough pill to swallow. But I swallowed that pill. I saw how much I needed to heal my heart, heal my mind, and my soul. I’m taking this forgiveness slowly everyday. I understand, I will not forgive myself in a snap, and I’m actually glad about it. It makes more aware of how deep I have to heal, and how my choices were made. That because I was in the space, I was in, I made the best choices I could at that time. Once I understood that, It made sense to me. It made sense that I was living in the space I knew for so long, but didn’t know how to change. Until one day I woke up and didn’t was to be in same space, singing the same song, and doing the same dance, excepting a different result…( pleading insanity.. lol) So here’s to anyone who needs to know that, yes you deserve to forgive yourself. That it’s ok to forgive yourself and that you are loveable and important.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful week and New Year! Forgiveness of Self 2020! Until next time friends. xoxoxo

My Self Sabotage

Self sabotage-is any kind of conscious or unconscious behavior that undermines your successful functioning in the world.

Today, I reflected on how many times, my self sabotaging behavior has effected me. The times I stood in my own way. I realized most of it was fear. Fear of my own power. Fear of success, fear of failure and, fear of disappointment. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been successful in a lot of ways, but I didn’t think I desired it. It was something in me that at the time I couldn’t understand why I stood in my own way or why I felt the way I did. For an example, losing weight. In one of my blogs, I spoke about my doctor helping me lose weight. I got down to losing 50 pounds. I was so excited, I was happy. I woke up one day and just felt true bliss. People were loving my weight lose and congratulating me. The outside part of me was grateful, but the broken part of me, didn’t like it at all. I felt there was to much attention on me and that I didn’t deserve it at all. So I started to sabotage my progress of continuing to lose weight. I went back to over eating or binge eating. Then I would get mad at myself for sabotaging my hard work I put in. Not knowing that the broken parts of me, needed to be healed. It was a cycle, until I started gaining all my weight back.

Now, as I’m going through my journey to healing, I see that I’ve self- sabotaged my progress at times, but like I said in my last blog, I’m being patient with myself. I’m understanding techniques to help me, understand that I deserve to heal and to let go of fear. Affirmations have been a great addition to my life. In the beginning, it was a battle. But doing it almost everyday, I started to believe in those affirmations. I didn’t think it would work. But it does, it’s a different inner feeling. It calms my inner self. Now to be honest at times, I go back to old ways, but I’m more aware. When I can catch myself, I use the affirmations. If the affirmations, don’t help, then it’s music or painting. Once I calm myself down, then I write down in my journal why I wanted to self sabotage myself at that time.

I’m learning at the end of the day, I have to take small steps towards my goal to heal. That at different stages I’m going to learn new things about myself. That healing myself and not sabotaging myself is going to take time, patience, love, understanding, and awareness.

Thank you for listening friends. Until next time. xoxo

Patience With Self

In these beginning stages of healing, patience with self is for sure needed. I’ve been so hard on myself for so long, that during this journey, it’s been super hard to have this patience. I’ve been so mad at myself for going back into old habits, broken promises to myself, to just not feeling motivate to do nothing.

I can see that my expectations for this healing journey is not what I imagined. In this world that we live in, we would things in a snap. But, as I’m learning about healing, it’s a roller coaster ride. There’s days were things are amazing, and then a trigger will happen. Being honest, sometimes these triggers bring me back into a place of depression, sometimes it’s self soothing with binge eating. Or there’s moments where I’m mindful and pick up a book, or write, or paint. But I’m learning that, in the beginning stages of healing, patience with self is needed. Also not setting crazy expectations on yourself. Believing that even in the bad moments, as long as you keep going and pushing through it things will start to heal. I have to remind myself that if I want to be in a different space, then where I’ve been, to not put a time limit on it. Or rush the process. To understand that everything comes in stages. That this healing is an everyday thing. But knowing that you will have good and bad days. But forgiving yourself on the bad days and starting over the next day. And praising yourself on the good days.

Have patience with yourself! Xoxo

The choices made from not healing my inner child

Let’s start with how not healing my inner child effected my choices in life.

Most of my choices were not mindful. It wasn’t really my truth self, that made the choices. It was more of my ego that made them. I would self- soothe with food. Food was and truthfully still is my best friend( a little). Also, not keeping up on my hygiene was another way of protecting myself from getting hurt. I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t think I was important. So to protect myself, I would eat unhealthy foods. I would binge until my stomach hurt. Then feel guilty for eating so much. It also didn’t help that my mom would add negative words to my actions. So that would make me want to eat more or not take care of myself more. So I wouldn’t take care of my basic needs.( washing face, brushing teeth, showering, changing my underwear everyday). And this is me being super honest and vulnerable here.

Now to the average person, that sounds nasty and unbelievable that someone, wouldn’t take care of themselves in that way. But, I’m here to tell you, it’s probably happening more than you than you think. When your broken and feel that your not worth of basic needs or taking care of yourself, a lot of things go to the waist side. You have a battle inside of you. Most guilt, shame, not understanding why things happened the way that they happened. That you’re a bad person, or no worthy of love, respect, or just living. But then you have the other part of you, that wants to be a normal human being. Or what the world things a normal human being is.

So, this added to choices in boyfriends, because I was so broken, I choose people who weren’t the greatest. Mostly guys, that were broken also. But in my mind, I could fix them. It was easier to focus on them then on myself. Even with friends, it would easier to focus on their issues and help them, than to focus on myself. To them on the outside, I was put together. The mask I had made was good at showing people that I was strong and not hurting on the inside. But to the people that really got to know me, that’s when I couldn’t hide under that mask anymore. And it was hard, because I wasn’t to stay there. I didn’t want people to see how broken I was, because that meant I would have to deal with it also. I’ve had moments and wanted to kill myself, because of all the hurt. I didn’t think anyone would miss me.

I wasn’t ready to deal with it. So I made a lot of bad choices, looking for love in men, and getting my heart broken over and over again. Looking for love in food. So I would eat more and more. Until one day, I was over 360 pounds in my senior year of college. Now, I didn’t know my weight was so high. That’s not where I saw myself. I thought I was a good 250, tops. That was not the case of course. But I had a little helping hands, from my college counselor Don and my chiropractor Dr. Dubs and great friends. Now they helped me to a point. I told Don, about my childhood and got a good cry out. I also wrote a letter to my mom( which I never gave to her), about how angry and hurt I was. With Dr. Dubs, he helped me lose 50 pounds. But I didn’t help myself, It was great working through some of my trauma. But I self sabotaged myself, and gained all my weight back, still dated guys that didn’t have my best interest at heart. And I still was so blinded, that I didn’t understand why. Why my life was still the same way.

Crazy, that even after having so many great people in my life, I still felt that I wasn’t good enough for the help, long term. I thought, eventually you will hurt me, so let me sabotage this before you do. And that was my thinking for so long.

So my choice really effected me. Effect me to where I am now. I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted to blame everyone else. I didn’t want to take responsibility for my actions. I wanted to still be the victim. For someone to understand my pain. Even if I didn’t want to see my own pain. I wanted the outside resources to fix my pain. I thought that would fix it all, but it never did. It helped, but never fixed it.

So I have to stop, and make a choice of either stilling in the same chapter and story. Or look within and deal with my pain, and past to move forward. So that’s where I am right now. Learning my truth and understanding who I really am.

In my next blog, I will talk about the ways in which, I’m working on healing my inner child and how the past still sneaks up from time to time. How my binge eating and over eating still comes around, and how I’m handling that also.

Thank you for coming to my blog! It’s greatly appreciated.