In these beginning stages of healing, patience with self is for sure needed. I’ve been so hard on myself for so long, that during this journey, it’s been super hard to have this patience. I’ve been so mad at myself for going back into old habits, broken promises to myself, to just not feeling motivate to do nothing.
I can see that my expectations for this healing journey is not what I imagined. In this world that we live in, we would things in a snap. But, as I’m learning about healing, it’s a roller coaster ride. There’s days were things are amazing, and then a trigger will happen. Being honest, sometimes these triggers bring me back into a place of depression, sometimes it’s self soothing with binge eating. Or there’s moments where I’m mindful and pick up a book, or write, or paint. But I’m learning that, in the beginning stages of healing, patience with self is needed. Also not setting crazy expectations on yourself. Believing that even in the bad moments, as long as you keep going and pushing through it things will start to heal. I have to remind myself that if I want to be in a different space, then where I’ve been, to not put a time limit on it. Or rush the process. To understand that everything comes in stages. That this healing is an everyday thing. But knowing that you will have good and bad days. But forgiving yourself on the bad days and starting over the next day. And praising yourself on the good days.
Let’s start with how not healing my inner child effected my choices in life.
Most of my choices were not mindful. It wasn’t really my truth self, that made the choices. It was more of my ego that made them. I would self- soothe with food. Food was and truthfully still is my best friend( a little). Also, not keeping up on my hygiene was another way of protecting myself from getting hurt. I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t think I was important. So to protect myself, I would eat unhealthy foods. I would binge until my stomach hurt. Then feel guilty for eating so much. It also didn’t help that my mom would add negative words to my actions. So that would make me want to eat more or not take care of myself more. So I wouldn’t take care of my basic needs.( washing face, brushing teeth, showering, changing my underwear everyday). And this is me being super honest and vulnerable here.
Now to the average person, that sounds nasty and unbelievable that someone, wouldn’t take care of themselves in that way. But, I’m here to tell you, it’s probably happening more than you than you think. When your broken and feel that your not worth of basic needs or taking care of yourself, a lot of things go to the waist side. You have a battle inside of you. Most guilt, shame, not understanding why things happened the way that they happened. That you’re a bad person, or no worthy of love, respect, or just living. But then you have the other part of you, that wants to be a normal human being. Or what the world things a normal human being is.
So, this added to choices in boyfriends, because I was so broken, I choose people who weren’t the greatest. Mostly guys, that were broken also. But in my mind, I could fix them. It was easier to focus on them then on myself. Even with friends, it would easier to focus on their issues and help them, than to focus on myself. To them on the outside, I was put together. The mask I had made was good at showing people that I was strong and not hurting on the inside. But to the people that really got to know me, that’s when I couldn’t hide under that mask anymore. And it was hard, because I wasn’t to stay there. I didn’t want people to see how broken I was, because that meant I would have to deal with it also. I’ve had moments and wanted to kill myself, because of all the hurt. I didn’t think anyone would miss me.
I wasn’t ready to deal with it. So I made a lot of bad choices, looking for love in men, and getting my heart broken over and over again. Looking for love in food. So I would eat more and more. Until one day, I was over 360 pounds in my senior year of college. Now, I didn’t know my weight was so high. That’s not where I saw myself. I thought I was a good 250, tops. That was not the case of course. But I had a little helping hands, from my college counselor Don and my chiropractor Dr. Dubs and great friends. Now they helped me to a point. I told Don, about my childhood and got a good cry out. I also wrote a letter to my mom( which I never gave to her), about how angry and hurt I was. With Dr. Dubs, he helped me lose 50 pounds. But I didn’t help myself, It was great working through some of my trauma. But I self sabotaged myself, and gained all my weight back, still dated guys that didn’t have my best interest at heart. And I still was so blinded, that I didn’t understand why. Why my life was still the same way.
Crazy, that even after having so many great people in my life, I still felt that I wasn’t good enough for the help, long term. I thought, eventually you will hurt me, so let me sabotage this before you do. And that was my thinking for so long.
So my choice really effected me. Effect me to where I am now. I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted to blame everyone else. I didn’t want to take responsibility for my actions. I wanted to still be the victim. For someone to understand my pain. Even if I didn’t want to see my own pain. I wanted the outside resources to fix my pain. I thought that would fix it all, but it never did. It helped, but never fixed it.
So I have to stop, and make a choice of either stilling in the same chapter and story. Or look within and deal with my pain, and past to move forward. So that’s where I am right now. Learning my truth and understanding who I really am.
In my next blog, I will talk about the ways in which, I’m working on healing my inner child and how the past still sneaks up from time to time. How my binge eating and over eating still comes around, and how I’m handling that also.
Thank you for coming to my blog! It’s greatly appreciated.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
I’m not the best writer, but I’m going to try. On the outside I may look like, I’ve never gone through hardship. It may look like I have everything put together. But deep down, I’m a broken, wounded little girl. I’m an only child to a single mother, who is also a broken and wounded little girl. My father was in and out of my life. He is also a broken and a wounded little boy. Growing up, emotional was hard. I’ve always known that I was a sensitive kid, but being sensitive in a family that aren’t really in touch with emotions is tough. My mom was there for me financially but not there emotionally. At times my mom was super sweet, mostly when I was younger. But boy did she have a temper. Growing up with a parent that is broken is hard.
Especially when you don’t understand why, your parent or parents are the way that they are. The emotional abuse that I mostly endured was verbal. Being called stupid, fat or fatso, your not good enough, your ugly, your slow, etc… Also being yelled at and belittled everyday it seems. The list can go on and on. Not a lot of people understand what that does to child. Especially a super sensitive child. Plus having a mother that didn’t like to be hugged was tough. I remember days I would want a hug from her and she would pull away. She would say to me, ” Ashley, you know I don’t like to be hugged.” Hearing that as a child was gut wrenching. Now, because my mom was a single mother, I wasn’t really with her a lot. I spent a lot of time with a lot of different people, from family, family friends, and babysitters. This also added to my feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, not feeling accepted from my mom. I experienced a lot of people telling me to stop being so sensitive, need to be tough and not a cry baby. But that was my truth.
During these moments is when, I was molested or looked at from older man in a sexual way. These moments really shut me off from myself. It broke me in so many ways. I didn’t feel protected from my mom or others. So I shut my heart down, but also started an emotional eating habit to protect myself. I didn’t understand why all of this was happening to me. Now on top of this, my mother also placed her boyfriends before me. When I was older, I was left alone a lot, self- care was not important to me. Food became my friend in a lot of ways. My self worth was none existent. It was easy for me to love people from a far. Even if to them, they thought that it was a whole hearted love. But I’m always waiting for them leave or hurt me in someway. It’s hard to let people close to me, because of the disappointment from both parents and just adults in general.
Now my father was also emotional abusive and had a really bad temper, sometimes to the point of hitting me. I would be happy to be with my dad, but was filled with a lot of broken promises and lot of not seeing him for months, sometimes years. When I would see him, it seems that the girlfriend that he was with would make him contact me. It never felt like he really wanted me. This added to my emotional eating habits. This started years and years, of being shy, not having my voice, not having my strength. My self- love was out the window. I never even thought about it. I wanted love from others to fill my broken heart. But I was also let down in someway. I always felt there was something missing from my life, but I didn’t know what it was. My awareness was not there.
I will say my first step in being aware, was in college. I spoke with my college counselor Don. He helped me in a lot of the beginning stages of healing. One was telling someone that I was molested as a child. I didn’t tell even tell me mom, friends, family, no one. That was super hard, but he was the first person in a long time that I really trusted. Like trusted to the point that I could take the mask off. I could be vulnerable with him. I knew he heard me and my pain from not just the molesting but also the pain from my mom and dad. When I was able to heal a little by just telling someone about what happen to me, and cry out the pain, it was amazing. But scary as hell.. lol. It was a start to healing my inner child, because she was heard by someone. He even made me write a letter to my mom about the pain that I had stored in my heart. The angry that I had. Now I never gave this letter to her, but it was a moment of crying in my doom room bed alone, letting out years and years of pain.
Now most may thank that this would help me see my self worth and have better self- care. Nope that’s no the case. My next blog will tell you, how deep the effects and years of pain really are. Plus, living in victimhood, not truly caring about self, how emotional eating has effected my life in so many ways, and more.
Thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you! XoXo
Hello and welcome to my new blog. My name is Ashley Hairston, I’m 32yrs old and I’m relearning my true myself. I’m learning to healing my inner child. Growing as I’ve had a spiritual awakening, and learn to love myself again. So, where do I start that got me to this point?
Well, for so long, I wasn’t living my in my truth. Let me explain….What I mean is, I was scared to accept the person under the mask. For so long, I thought I knew who I was. But, I’m realizing, I really don’t. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and didn’t know the person looking back at you. Yup, that’s where I am.
The real start to me living in my truth, was December 2018. I quit my job and wanted to start my own business as a Health Coach( Full Time). The dream was there and the passion was there, but I wasn’t fully there. I felt, I wasn’t being true. How am I going to help heal others, when I haven’t healed myself. So, I had to look within, which was super hard, well still is hard. First, I had to be honest with myself and take the mask off. It was hard taking the mask off. This mask was my protection for so long. This mask represented victimhood, being a people pleaser, living to make everyone happy, trying to not be a disappointment to my family, not truly having self-love, having rose-colored glasses on to people, friend, boyfriends, lovers and family that didn’t have the best interest in me. And I thought this mask was real and true. I thought this was want love was, because that’s all I know. It was the best that I know at the time. Until, I didn’t want to live the same chapter over and over again.
Once I realized, what was missing in my life, was me, I felt my soul awaken. Then come the stubbornness of my ego. My ego didn’t wanting to let go of the old. At times, still doesn’t want to let go of the old. But, I know I had to take a leap of faith and know that I would be ok. A lot of things come to the surface, once the mask was off. Remembering what closed me off from having self love and not really caring about myself. What came up was my childhood, remembering how my childhood was. How being emotional abused and molested in my life, shut me off from myself. This started the mask that I had on for so many years. It started me down the path and chapters I’ve lived for 32 years.
Now, I want to stop living in this old story and heal my inner child. I put this out publicly, one because I wanted to share my story. Which a part of me is so scared to, but I know I need to. Also, I hope to heal others to heal their inner child. So during this blog, I’ll go more into my story of emotional abuse and how it formed who I was for 32 years. Then go through the stages of how I’m healing and growing. To my new readers, thank you for one, having an open mind, two letting me express my voice, and lastly taking this journey with me. From the love in my heart thank you and welcome again.